Sta.sh
In the long forgotten sands at the end of the Worlds
By the sea where the long forgotten souls swirled
Beneath the long forgotten sky of long forgotten memories,
I saw my own face, staring back and shimmering.
Standing in my own ashes, long forgotten but existing
No longer fighting and no longer resisting;
I've long forgotten every reason to be
Lost in this oh-so long forgotten memory.
Remember to forget and forget to have forgotten
All things lost, every little thing rotten,
Frozen somewhere between logic and belief
Lost somewhere outside happiness or grief.
Standing in my own ashes, though never knowing why
Never knowing how I lived, never knowing how I died;
I go down and float in the sea of long forgotten souls
Long forgotten among these long forgotten shoals.
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The rhyme scheme is perfect, the theme is pristine, and the flow of the overall idea is drop dead gorgeous. Its literally speaking out for itself over the title. Hell, it matches the title perfectly. I honestly do not have anything against this poem because its well composed.
However, the meter: its inconsistent. Coming from a person who gave me really good advice about one of my poems I feel slightly taken aback that you didn't maintain a meter in this poem. It deserves to be read aloud, but one can't do so because one doesn't have a single consistent voice to go with....
for instance, taking the first two stanzas, the syllable counts are
In the long for got ten sands at the end of the Worlds
By the sea where the long for got ten souls swirled
Be neath the long for got ten sky of long for got ten me mo ries,
I saw my own face, star ing back and shim mer ing.
the first stanza is 13-11-16-12
Stand ing in my own ash es, long for got ten but ex ist ing
No lon ger fight ing and no lon ger re sist ing;
I've long for got ten ev ery rea son to be
Lost in this oh-so long for got ten me mo ry.
the second stanza is 15-12-11-12
now, bear in mind, an inconsistent meter here, in my critique, basically means lines with syllable counts of greater than 11 syllables, and less than seven syllables (for rhyming poetry and blank verse). maintain fifteen or sixteen syllables is not easy because the lines themselves have to be divided carefully into smaller fragments put into two lines... Unless you're Poe...
Also, I understand that you are using forgotten often. I feel that the repetition is not being used effectively here, but that's my opinion. use synonyms in place of it so that the work itself comes out consistent.
All in all, I do hope you will return back to this work - my suggestions would be to use synonyms, mix as many metaphors and idioms as possible (supplementing the ones already present in this work, if need be).
That's what I think. Keep up the good work. Cheers.
As I said before, I was a bit confused at some point, so I had to read a second time more attentively. And I think that is great since it managed to capture and keep my attention.